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THE HOUSE

THE HOUSE

By Duncan

I want to begin this episode by discussing the home I will occupy for the next couple of days. “Yes, I’m living very high on the hog.” I had to look up the expression. "High on the hog" refers to a wealthy lifestyle or luxurious accommodations. It also has something to do with a pig. 

I’m vacationing in a home that Zillow says is worth $2,600,000.00.  

The map above gives you a good indication of why this property is so expensive. As my personal and very close friend, Susan Tibbs, with Tucker, might say,  

“It’s location, location, location, Duncan. It’s on the water.” 

PICTURES OF THE HOME 

Okay, anyone who knows me knows I can’t afford to live in this place. I have “friends,” and my pal Jim, my motorcycle buddy, is the reason for the season. Jim is very gracious with his invites. 

We have spent many years and miles on the road together, riding motorcycles throughout the United States. I don’t know if life happened exactly like this, but I’ll make this story as believable as possible. 

 

I moved to Florida in 2014 (that part is true). Jim came down to visit and see what caused me to sell my Wineberry-colored 1500 Honda Gold Wing motorcycle and trade my chaps, goggles, and do-rag for a pair of Bermuda shorts, short-sleeved shirts, and my stylish Ray Bands. 

He (Jim) realized he was missing out on a “Lifestyle.” So he started looking for property in Florida, where there are hurricanes, sinkholes, and old people pushing walkers. Never mind the five-minute-long traffic lights. 

My friend then decided it would be “smarter” to rent rather than buy. He looked at the pros and cons of renting instead of buying. When you have money, all you have to do is say to yourself, 

“How much money do you want to leave the children and grandchildren? All of it or most of it?” 

(That part is perhaps me talking to Jim in the hot tub under the influence of a glass or two of the “Water of Life.” My apologies to the children and grandchildren. Or any other person I have just offended.)  

Okay, let’s move on. Jim decided to rent this place for seven weeks and invited his family and friends to spend some time in Florida during the blistering cold of Indiana. As I have said, Jim is a very charitable fella. 

I don’t want to be a pain in the butt and pretend I know how to live your life. I’m not a motivator or what some call a “Life Coach.” Or in some cases (That woman on the internet who always wants to tell me how to live my life.) I noticed some motivational articles online that I thought might be worth mentioning. Here I go, doing what I said I wouldn’t do. Advise on how to live life.   

On a personal note. Back In December, winter came to Indiana. It turned cold. The days were overcast, with no sun for days and days. It was depressing. Without the sun, my attitude can be affected. I became withdrawn. I continued to receive calls at home from friends, and one day, one of my friends asked, “What’s wrong with you?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You're not your open, happy, bubbly self. What’s wrong?” 

I relented, “Oh, people get tired of my over-the-top flamboyant me.”  

“Duncan, we expect you to be over the top; that’s who you are!” 

I dismissed the phone call. What does he know? 

I hadn’t been out of the house in over a month. I had no desire to get out of the house. I wanted to stay in my cocoon. I realized I was hiding. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding from? I couldn’t think of a thing. So my reality was me feeling sorry for myself? Me trapped in my home? Is that all it is? 

I had to talk to myself. Stop watching the news; stop watching other people live their lives on television. You need to live the life you have left. And so, a friend calls and says, 

“How soon can you get your ass to Cape Coral, Florida? I’ve got a week open in the schedule if you want it!  Come on down, I’m in this big house by myself. Bring a big bottle of Scotch! You will need it!”      

Konstantin Kisin

I was searching YouTube and found Konstantin Kisin. (His picture above.) The event where Konstantin was speaking was a conference called ARC. I had no idea what ARC stood for, but this guy seemed an interesting speaker. So I stayed with him. I did have the remote in my hand, ready to bail if he didn’t hold my interest. I stayed watching the full fifteen-minute talk. 

ARC: The Alliance for Responsible Citizenship (ARC) is an international organization whose aim is to unite conservative voices and propose policies based on traditional Western values. It is associated with psychologist and political commentator Jordan Peterson.

Konstantin was talking to 4,000 of the smartest people from around the world—very important elitists and intellectuals. (They kept telling me how important the group of people in the room was; That’s my comment, not in the program highlights.) 

The kind of gathering where they spend three days discussing how to save the world. Konstantin was out of place. He was making “fun” of them from time to time. Sometimes, his comments met with silence, a chuckle, and occasionally a polite clap. 

As the fifteen-minute speech (or was it a comedy routine) ended, he said the following very slowly and distinctly to 4,000 attendees. 

Get ready. I’m going to give you a motivational speech about living life. The words that meant the most to me came at the end of his speech. Here is what he said that made sense to me.   

Konstantin: “Here is the most inspiring thing I was ever told.” 

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”  

There was a hush in the crowd. 

“NO! YOU ALL ARE GOING TO DIE.  ALL OF YOU. 

And when you die, there will be a gathering of people who love you and will say some words; the words will be meaningful and important words. They will put your body in the ground, then they are going to eat some food, and after that, they are going home to squabble over your inheritance. That’s it; we are all going to die. We have nothing to lose; make the best of life.”

So, I got in my “Mean Yellow” and headed for Florida, “Make the best of it!”  

Another example of motivational words I can’t seem to get out of my head.  

I’m sure, like you, I have several websites I like to read. One of my interests is a website called  “The New York Social Diary.”  I have been reading about the rich people in New York City for over 20 years. David Patrick Columbia is the author. 

I normally read the “Diary” at about midnight before I fall asleep. I was almost asleep when I read the following story.  

CANCER ALLIANCE LUNCHEON IN PALM BEACH: 

Written by guest writer LEE FRYD

I normally look at the photographs to see what the women are wearing. Some are very stylish, some are over the top (really expensive outfits), some wear sexy outfits (I like those the best), and some are matronly. It’s interesting to see how the rich people live, dress, and interact with each other. I was going to skip the article, but for some reason, I noticed Fergie was the main speaker. What in the world would she have to say?  

Do you remember a joke about men sitting around drinking, and one asked,  

“I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight?”  

“Hey, I’m reading the New York Social Diary. On the shores of the Caloosahatchee River in Cape Coral, Florida, I’m living in a two-and-one-half million dollar home. 

Duchess Sarah Ferguson

I don’t follow Duchess Sarah Ferguson. I have nothing negative to say about her. She is simply not on my radar screen. But as I was reading, I noticed the motivational words she gave at the luncheon. And I was inspired by her comments. Let me share them with you. 

The following was written by Lee Fryd: 

She’s a natural. Speaking extemporaneously and extensively, she named many in the room — and her boobies! “This is Derick, and this is Eric,” she said, pointing to what we otherwise would have called “the girls.” The Duchess took off her jacket to show off her mastectomy restoration, the rainbow at the end of two cancers.

When she went under the knife for a melanoma, “the surgeon who did Derek met me at the hospital to do the reconstruction. ‘You’ll get two for one,’ he promised.” That hit home to this audience, many of whom feel it’s a waste of anesthesia to come out looking the same!

“I want to be a grown-up, but I never will be. I see my life as being on a playground because it’s all about attitude.”

'When you feel bad about yourself, go out there and do something for somebody else."

She continued, “Do it if you wish to do it. Laugh a lot. Live a lot. Dance a lot. Win a lot. Dream big, for your life will be small if you don't. Your aspirations should stretch the boundaries of possibility. Dreaming fuels grace and propels you toward greatness. Ground your dreams in reality. Take the practical steps necessary to turn dreams into tangible achievements. Dreaming without action is meaningless.

“I want you to get up from these chairs, go out that door, and say let’s live!”

And with that mic drop moment, the ladies at a Breakers ballroom filed out.

The Sniggerer, (Andrew, Duke of York) Cabbage, (Queen Elizabeth) and Fergie (The Duchess of York) Diana (Princess of Wales)  

Her words knocked my hat into the creek. I hear her words simply saying, “Be yourself.” I have been accused of being too big, flamboyant, over the top. And it’s hard for me to dismiss the critics. I need to plead guilty, but not all the time. 

When I look at “Fergie,” I don’t see a Royal. I see a flamboyant, over-the-top, big, beautiful, red-headed, sexy personality. I tend to relate to her shenanigans. After reading her speech at the Breakers Ballroom, I could not get her out of my head.

“I want to be a grown-up, but I will never be.”  

I get it! I understand what she is talking about. That’s why I’m sitting in a 103-degree hot tub in Cape Coral, Florida, looking at the stars. "Salute."

A CLOSE CALL

A CLOSE CALL 

By Duncan 

Day two of my road trip to Florida begins today in Byron, Georgia. I opened the curtains and noticed a sharp-looking semi-truck parked in the Motel 6 parking lot.

The tractor/truck was glistening with chrome. Its chrome bumper, exhaust pipes, fuel tanks, and wheels made it a thing to behold—if a part could be chromed, it was. The tractor was painted a striking dark blue, showcasing its beauty as if it were a fine piece of Sapphire Jewelry. The truck was immaculately clean as well. There was a clear sense of pride of ownership radiating from that stunning piece of equipment. I didn’t tip my hat because I wasn’t wearing one. 

I sit at my desk with several monitors connected to my computer. You might wonder why I have two—well, actually, I have four monitors. One screen displays the pictures I took on my trip, while the others show the story I’m writing. Then, on the other monitor, I check for grammar. It doesn’t always work because many of you tell me I have misspelled a word.  

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and that definitely rings true. The images on monitor two help me recall where I’ve been.

Speaking of where I have been, in the story before this one, titled “I Hate America,” I mentioned a run-in with a moose on a lonely, dark road in Montana. One of my readers sent me a couple of pictures from that event. I didn't realize he was copying my photographs. The person who sent the photos of the van helped me buy the van in 2017 for $900. He is a character; he would walk into my home without knocking, head straight to the refrigerator, grab a beer, take a big swig, and then look at me with a grin and say,

“You’re almost out of beer.”  

The photographs above remind me why I don’t drive on a dark road in Montana at night. 

I tossed my luggage into the front passenger seat and decided to get an early start. I had 488 miles to travel from Byron to Cape Coral, where a two-million-dollar home with an infinity pool seamlessly blends into the Caloosahatchee River. The view alone is priceless, so I was in a hurry.

I hadn’t been paying attention to my dashboard, and now the fuel indicator showed that my gas tank was empty. The little gas pump icon next to the fuel gauge was yellow, which usually means I have about a gallon of gas left. Now, I’m nervous. With my car getting thirty miles per gallon, I might only have thirty miles left before I might have to walk to the next exit. How long has the yellow gas pump light been on? I have no idea. I need to find a gas station fast. How far is the next exit? I started searching every road sign for any indication of the distance to the next exit and whether it had a gas station.

As I watched the numbers on the gas pump spin, I noticed a Wendy’s located in the same building as the gas station. I'm sure many of you have seen places where a fast-food franchise is attached to a truck stop. I hadn’t eaten anything since last night’s Subway sandwich. I glanced at my cell phone to check the time; it was around 10:30 in the morning. I wondered if Wendy’s was serving breakfast or lunch. Refueling my vehicle and grabbing a bite to eat simultaneously would be convenient.

The fuel pump clicked off. I looked at the numbers. Mean Yellow has a thirteen (13) gallon tank. The fuel pump numbers were 12.480 Gallons @ $2.959 a gallon. Oh my, I’m a lucky fella. I had a half gallon of gas left or about fifteen (15) miles of fuel left. I decided to celebrate. That was a close one. Way too close. I must stop and fill the tank at 25% and stop all this drama.  

I parked next to the building and went inside to grab a bite to eat. I’m not a fan of Wendy’s, as I have experienced poor service at the last couple of Wendy’s locations I visited. Therefore, I had low expectations when I walked into this one. 

Finding people who want to work at a fast-food restaurant can be challenging. Even when someone is hired, they may feel that the job isn’t suitable for them, or they might believe they are underpaid. I suspect the training isn’t at the highest level either. 

Instilling in low-wage employees that the “Customer is King” is difficult when customers might be rude or difficult. It’s common for a manager to step in and assist a new employee at the register when they encounter a difficult customer. I’ve seen it happen. 

I walked to the counter, and Jenna had a name tag. I did notice she was sizing me up and unsure if I would be a good little boy or a pain. I decided to try my best approach. 

“Good Morning, Jenna. I see my personal and very close friend Dave Thomas on the wall over there; it’s always good to see his face. Are you serving breakfast or lunch?” 

She looked at the wall behind her and said, “We have six more minutes of breakfast, and then we will start lunch.”

“Well, let’s do breakfast.”

I noticed a faint smile cross her lips. She decided that I would be her good little boy. I ordered something I had never tried at Wendy’s: a breakfast combo that included a piece of bacon, egg, cheese on a muffin, small seasoned potatoes, and a small diet Coke. The total came to $6.77.

“Please don’t roll your eyes at me about the Diet Coke.” 

I decided to eat the combo meal at the restaurant. Despite the efforts of Dave Thomas, the sandwich left a lot to be desired. Yes, I know Dave is deceased, and you will accuse me, saying I went in with low expectations that Wendy's wouldn’t meet my discriminating standards. Okay, I hear you; if my mind focuses on ugly, you get ugly. The point is well taken.

I’m guilty of comparing Wendy’s to the egg muffin at McDonald's. Unfortunately, the Wendy’s combo meal didn’t compete with the “Almighty Ever Popular Egg Muffin.” There was too much muffin for the small amount of bacon and egg between the sheets. I did enjoy the small potatoes, which I found to be acceptable. 

Hey, I know there’s a demographic for this place; many people love Wendy's. I know I’m only one opinion. Wendy’s ranks at number five in sales. Someone is eating at Wendy’s. So, what do I know?

(I know what I like and what I don’t like.)

Here are the top 10 restaurants in America by sales, 

            McDonald’s  ($53.1 billion)

            Starbucks     ($31.6 billion)

• Chick-fil-A    ($21.6 billion)

• Taco Bell      ($15 billion)

• Wendy’s       ($12.3 billion)

• Dunkin’         ($12 billion)

• Burger King  ($11 billion)

• Subway        ($10 billion)

• Chipotle        ($9.9 billion)

• Domino’s      ($9 billion)

There is a “Lid for every Pot.” Needless to say, I left out the next level of fine dining. After all, we are on the road trying to get to a destination as fast as possible for sun and fun, fun, fun. 

The rest of my journey was to simply grind out the miles. I’m reminded of the movie Smokey and the Bandit. Jerry Reed sings, “East Bound and Down.” I have a long way to go and a short time to get there. So, it’s hammer down, and let’s pass a few semi-trucks loaded with beer.  

Cape Coral is a community south and to the west of Fort Myers. The home is on the Caloosahatchee River. The view is stunning. Enough of gas stations and fast food restaurants; it’s time to shed my winter coat, sweater, sweatshirt, and muck-a-lucks and enjoy the weather.  I parked Mean Yellow in the driveway and turned off the engine. River Drive is where I will be for the next few days. 

Until my next story, I’m here, and you’re not.

(I shouldn’t have said that!)